How to Share Your Feelings

Sharing how we feel — especially during deeply vulnerable moments — can be so scary!

I remember an experience I had many years ago when I first started dating my partner. In the middle of a discussion, he said something that instantly caused me to feel really insecure. I felt my chest tighten, my heart start to race, and my stomach swirl — the familiar sensations that I experience when I’m feeling rejected and that are connected to emotions from my past relationships and my experiences with racistchildhood bullying.

He instantly knew from my energy that I was upset and asked me what was wrong. It was a scary moment of deciding between three options:

1. 我假装什么都不是吗？（即逃避我的不适）
   
2. Do I get mad at him about something else instead because the truth is too hard to share? (i.e. deflect my discomfort onto him/push him away)
   
3. Do I tell him the truth, that I’m feeling rejected by what he said? (i.e. authentically share my feelings)

In that vulnerable moment, I knew I needed to tell him the truth and share the real reason I was upset. Even though I’d been living in accordance with what I call the“I Don’t Give an F Plan”— meaning I’d committed to being authentic without worrying about how I might be judged or perceived — this was different. Because I care deeply about his thoughts and reactions, I owed it to him to share my feelings.

How Sharing Connects Us as Humans

You’ll have heard me mention before that分享将我们与人类联系起来and opens the door to receiving the love, support, and guidance we need to heal and thrive. Sharing your feelings helps to nurture the authenticity, trust, and open communication that are so important for healthy relationships.

分享我们的真实感受通常令人恐惧，因为我们担心我们将如何被感知以及他人如何应对我们的脆弱性。害怕被判断会在我们的身体中造成巨大的压力。它使我们的神经系统失调，并导致身体症状的表现 - 想到那些不舒服的情况，这些情况会导致您的肌肉紧张，心脏跳动，下巴锁定，腺体出汗等等。（听起来很熟悉吗？）这些生理引起的反应发生时，我们的身体感受到危险，激活我们的战斗，飞行或冻结反应。

在其中一个州，我们的大脑可以阻止我们充分传达所需或想说的一切。

但是，离开情况而没有公开分享我们的感受，并说出我们的真理 - 屈服于战斗，飞行，冻结的“飞行”一部分 - 并不为我们服务。实际上，它可以产生额外的情感，心理和身体压力，同时可能在对您重要的关系中引起紧张。

So what did I do in the situation from before with my partner?

我重复了几个mantrasin my head — “I can do this!” and “I am safe!” — to help calm the sick feeling that was flowing through my body, and I told him that his words made me feel rejected. As I started to share my feelings and express my truth, the empathy I saw on his face melted away all the tension and negativity I had been holding. I could physically feel a weight lifting from my shoulders.

My partner was so kind and loving in that moment because he knew I was speaking from a place of hurt. His response allowed me to calm the agitation in my body, but it also filled me with the reassurance I needed. It was a powerful learning moment for me about why it’s so important to share your feelings, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable.

Making the Choice to Share Vulnerably

I know it may feel scary as hell to share vulnerably, especially if you’re dealing with atoxic relationship, but the next time you feel tempted to bury your emotions, pause for a moment. Take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:

在这一刻，我真正感觉到什么？

• 如果您能说出自己的想法而没有后果，那么您会分享如何感受？您会说什么会真正反映出您的真实自我？

What is holding me back from sharing?

• What are you afraid of? What is holding you back from sharing what you’re feeling?

如果我分享的话，会发生什么最糟糕的事情？

• 分享会伤害你吗？这些感觉会持续多久？（我注意到，如果您担心自己的身体或心理安全，那么您可能想表现为您Adapted Selfhere.)

What would be the benefit of sharing how I truly feel?

• 分享将如何为您服务？感觉如何？

Once you’ve had time to think about your answers, you’ll know whether it’s safe to share. Then all you have to do is find the strength to speak.

这里美丽的事情是，它会变得越来越容易。倾向于我们脆弱的时刻并分享我们真实的真实感觉并不会削弱我们 - 这使我们变得更强大。